One problem I see in many submissions to the Sweetheart line
is the scant amount of details used to describe setting. Often, I’ve read
several pages into chapter one and haven’t seen the name of a city mentioned
(even if the city is invented) or a geographic region, or worse—any clues as to
the time of day or the weather conditions.
Not only do the details help the reader get a sense of where
these people are, but the details allow the author to create the backdrop for
the action. If the author doesn’t describe the place where the characters are
interacting, then the reader will do it by whatever is available. They might
look for clues in how the characters talk or if the heroine orders a diet pop
(Midwest) or the hero grabs a chili dog from a street vendor (big city) or they
walk a couple blocks downtown to a corner where several food trucks are parked
(seen this in California).
But that’s not the readers’ job—that’s the responsibility of
the author. Look at the following two paragraphs and see what a difference the
inclusion of a few details makes in the creation of mental images.
Example 1: Sue Branford adjusted the strap of her messenger
bag, crossed the street, and turned down the block. She had to get to the newspaper
office and get her story submitted within the hour. The air was hot and she
squinted at the sky.
Example 2: The seconds ticked down on the traffic light, and
Sue Branford adjusted the strap of her messenger bag while balancing on the
edge of the curb. As soon as she spotted the ‘walk’ sign flashing, she dodged
around the cab straddling the crosswalk, slammed a hand on the trunk, and then
ignored the cabbie’s long blasted honk and taunt as she dashed for the corner.
The offices of The Riverdale Gazette were
only two blocks away but felt like ten in this 90 degree heat, and her deadline
was less than an hour away. Meeting that would be tight.
Obviously, the second paragraph is longer and provides more
details, specific ones, which allow the reader to start building the scene in
his or her head. Look at the items included and what can be derived from them:
Traffic light (modern type)
Balancing on curb, dodging around cab (shows impatience in
character)
Cab (not a small town)
Big enough city that cabbies honk & yell taunts (sorry
to decent cab drivers)
Name of newspaper (hints at fictional town)
High heat (probably summer time)
Tight deadline (either her story is long, or maybe
controversial and will need fact-checking)
As an editor, I’m looking for stories that get me right into
the action but also give me a feel for where the story occurs. I don’t want to
be on the fifth or sixth page, following along as the heroine and hero have a
cute meet with witty banter only to learn the story takes place on Boston
Commons in June and they should have had all sorts of pedestrians, bicyclists,
skaters, etc. around them and birds chittering in and out of the nearby gardens
and ponds, but none of that is included. Such a lost opportunity, and more than
likely, a rejection.
NOTE: the examples are not from a submitted query or
manuscript, but of my own creation. And the details on Boston Commons were
collected from a Google search in less than 15 seconds.
I love to see comments of your preference for setting
details.
Leanne Morgena
Senior Editor, Sweetheart Rose line
